Why "Do No Harm, Take No Shit" Misses the Point

We see this phrase a lot in spiritual circles. It’s commonly passed around as a good balance between being kind and still protecting ourselves from harm. It’s a little more conscious way of being in the world that isn’t quite so reactive. While it’s definitely heading in the right direction, it’s still missing the point because it reinforces the struggle we’re trying to avoid.

First let’s examine the idea of harm. What is an insult to you may not be an insult to me and vice versa. We’re going to be bothered by different things. That’s just human perception. It’s completely normal to have different ideas of what harm actually means.

Harm—or at least the concept of it—is a human construct. It is both a societal construct and an individual perception, both of which are subjective and largely based on previous experience, perception, and pain. My discussion here revolves around the general ways we navigate personal power, perception, and self-mastery in our daily lives. There is a separate discussion for another day about the extremes of abuse that happen in our world.

“Taking no shit” is a trap. It keeps you stuck in a need for self-protection and self-defense. It’s a constant state of fight or flight that is rooted in fear, ego, and a need to control the outcome. If our goal is self-mastery then we simply allow the experience to occur without worrying about defending ourselves from it. In truth there is nothing to defend ourselves from.

The experience remains neutral regardless of what’s happening. The only thing that makes us decide that we need to defend ourselves is our judgment of what the other person is saying or doing. In essence, the meaning we create from the experience is the thing that traps us in the pain of needing to protect ourselves from perceived harm. If the meaning you take from the experience causes you pain, then your job is to examine your own perception, not try to control or change the external experience through self-defense.

What you’re focusing on matters. This a fundamental concept of self-mastery. We have to pay attention to what we focus on. If you’re focusing on the thing in the outside world that causes you pain, then you will need to protect yourself. If you don’t focus there because you see it as a projection of somebody else’s pain and you can let it go, then you’re no longer bothered by the experience and there is nothing to defend yourself from.

The need for control makes you feel like you need to tell the other person to stop. Where did that come from? Where’d you learn that? Why do you believe it’s true? If you change your response to one of conscious compassion, what do you think happens? What are you afraid will happen?

The thing you’re worried about is that it might get worse. It might get out of control. Do you recognize your power of choice? If somebody is treating you badly and you don’t want to deal with that, then you have the choice to limit or end the relationship.

If you respond to somebody with conscious compassion and they choose to keep going, you have a choice. You don’t have to defend yourself but that doesn’t mean you can’t walk away from the relationship. You’re not trapped even when you don’t defend yourself. In reality what you’re doing is saving yourself the fight. You’re saving yourself an argument.

Why do you prefer the argument? Because it gives you a false sense of at least trying to take control. I hate to break it to you, but you very rarely win that argument, you lose control anyway, nothing changes and that person still treats you like crap. You got nowhere, except that you feel better because at least you fought. That’s where the ego comes in. It’s going to go down in a blaze of glory instead of recognizing that the fight is unnecessary and typically unproductive.

Non-harm is a useful construct in spiritual theory. It suggests the idea that we shouldn’t be out to get other people. We shouldn’t be intentionally projecting pain or hurting others. We can make choices that might hurt other people, like ending a relationship, but we don’t have to go around destroying the joint while we do it.

Non-harm should include non-defense. When you defend yourself you cause harm to the other person. You do not need to mirror that energy. Self-defense is intentionally projecting your own pain back to the other person to hurt them because you don’t like what they said or did. What for? You don’t need to create a useless argument. You can let the other person go. You can walk away. You don’t have to demand anything from anybody. You can choose your relationships.

When you stop demanding certain treatment from others and you simply make choices for yourself in terms of limiting or ending relationships, your relationships will change. In truth, you should never have to tell anybody how to treat you because the people that you want around you shouldn’t need to be told how to treat you. If you’re still hanging around people that you feel the need to enforce certain treatment from, look at yourself, not the other person. It’s not their fault you put up with them.

“Take no shit” should be “Make better choices” or “Choose better people” -because that is the truth.

Life isn’t about defending yourself and not taking shit. It starts with making better choices about who you spend your time with and who you want to be around. There are plenty of societal rules around loyalty and longevity that will keep you in relationships you don’t want for far too long. Break the rules. End the relationships. Care about yourself enough to stop hanging around people that need to be taught how to treat you in this way. You shouldn’t need to teach people not to project their pain onto you for no reason. They should already know.

Do no harm to yourself. Take no shit from yourself. Never mind with the outside world.

Love to all.

Della